Phoenix Nexus News Sub Space Static: Volume 3. Issue 10.
Sub Space Static: Volume 3. Issue 10.

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** Stellar Empire Re-United ***

Celebrations were held across the vast territories of the Stellar Empire as the two-halves represented by the governments of the Imperials and Caliphate determined to unite. This followed almost inevitably from the assassination of the Caliph, a crime that has gone mysteriously unresolved. The old Caliphate ministers were ‘retired’ and at first it seemed the Imperials had managed what had alluded them for decades.

However, just as orders to claim systems for the IMP went in some places, conflicting orders to claim for the CIA came from Laton. In other systems, it seems overwhelming civilian support lies with the defunct CAL government and there are a number of CIV and CAL bases that seem to have not heeded the CIA nor IMP orders. With all the Caliphate's armaments now in the CIA’s hand and no political leadership in the old government, it seems inevitable that the civilians will be dragged kicking and screaming into the future.

A muted and cautious response from the rest of the galaxy was only to be expected given the formation of a new unrivalled superpower. The chilling effect on public discourse as the Imperial war machine taps into the substantial, if stunted, economies of the former Caliphate will surely be felt for years to come. Does this mark the 'end of history' as we know it?

More on this story inside this issue of the SSS along with: * KAS v IMP/GTT v FLZ * DEN v MRC * FOCed by IMP * BHD v DEN * &etc

*** Yankee Doodle Splat ***

The jolly Kastorians of the Yank Junta fired their magic weapon pulverising numerous IMP Javelin-class destroyers and some FLZ heavy cruisers which had decided to tango around Mobile Bay. A tiresome exchange on the public airways about who fired first proceeded with neutral parties wishing they would both bring all their forces and mouths to Yank and be done with it once and for all.

*** Null and Void ***

Fatty Wolf Lord Lyceum smelled a feast when he sent substantial forces to root around the MRC base The Black Pig (4912) in the Void system, in the Cluster periphery. Alas, disappointed by the meal on offer, he levelled a second MRC base called Sins Revisited (16665) in the same system. The DEN seem to be doing the job the Felini system claimants can’t or won’t do by patrolling the system.

Elsewhere, Fatty managed to kill another RIP Javelin in the system called Trexonal which is not in the Cluster but we didn’t care enough to find out where it was.

*** Who Dares Spoils It For Everyone Else ***

A freedom loving FOCer has attacked an IMP vessel in Coreward, getting Jenny Jones all worked up into a lather. You’re FOCed if you do and FOCed if you don’t when it comes to the IMP so why worry? Just FOC all day and all night we say!

*** Oh Brother ***

The Brotherhood celebrated the unification of the Empire by making a preemptive suicide run at static DEN defences in the Solo system.

Sexy monk-groomer Aadolf, High Lord of the DEN, wasn’t having it though as he let most of the overjoyed clergy walk off with their cowls intact the next day. They can now look forward to a life of giving alms and reviewing balance sheets for their megacorp masters.

*** Holey Bat Cave ***

The Wakerians have dug themselves a neat little pad on Vishnu in the Deva system, Halo periphery. If you like blended algae and high-pitched snoring then you can visit them for trade and furry pleasures.

*** Stellar Empire Re-United: The Galaxy Reacts ***

"Sprang that one on us, didn't they?! Ain't got much to say on that right now! Still looking at the ins & outs, implications, ramifications, options. Nuff said!” - FET Lackey

"Haven't the first hairy bollocks of an idea what's going on” - BHD Clergy

“Congratulations to the EMP and good luck” - KRL Warlord

"A caged bird stands on the grave of dreams. His shadow shouts out a nightmare scream. His wings are clipped and his feet are tied. The caged bird sings with a fearful trill of things unknown, but longed for still.” - Fat Dewiek

"I hope this heralds a new era of peace & prosperity for the galaxy.” - Bleeding Heart Liberal

“The peaceful reunification of any nation is a reason to celebrate.” - Bat Man in Chief

"Whilst coming under effectively one flag will make them appear more stronger, they are the same.” - Sexy Dewiek

"Still a work in progress.” - IMP Old Timer

"The Human Empire was not already unified? Could have fooled us.” - Hive Worker #FF69B4

"Confeds burnt all their other bridges, they would be fucked if they broke alliance with GIMP.” - Classy Lady

"We hope that this latest move to form one greater Human collective does not diminish the natural individualistic natures of the Humans and they become a single minded collective as we once were.” - Hive Worrier #FF1493

“Forgive me if I refuse to cheer another excuse for a war.” - Dog Fancier

"Whenever a new path through life is chosen, only time will tell if it is littered with rocks or if it is clear. All paths can be walked, it's just that some take more effort than others.” - Cryptic Mohache

"What time is dinner?” - Typical Wimble

"I would hope that the reunification will lead to a normalisation of the terms of business” - Megacorp Suit

*** Dear Editor ***

"Xav Von Krieger of the GTT is the pinnacle of incompetence. Granted, that is part and parcel of the being a member of the GTT. A fleet of twenty warships under his command engaged a single NLF Javelin in Fortoon and only managed to slightly damage it."

"The only way the GTT could take out the Javelin was to call in reinforcements like the cowards that they are(As obviously 20 GTT warships wasn't enough to take out a single Javelin).”

The Editor’s Response: We suggest some Boudreaux’s Butt Paste, applied liberally and frequently.

***** Periphery Classifieds *****

*** Her Name is Rio, Admiral Rio ***

Its nearly Mardi Gras on Earth and who better to organise the party than alleged master dancer Admiral Bridge? Time to get that surplus booze, food and pretty dresses over to celebrate the realisation of the DTR’s dream of a united Stellar Empire.

*** Rat Diggers Tool Up ***

Sly old rat Namica is looking for some tech to upskill his broodlings on the fine art of extracting minerals, no doubt before making more nukes for the upcoming Sixteenth Krell Nuclear War.

*** Thousand Yard Stares On Sale ***

The Flagritz “Lady” Ungol is selling some human crew persons who have seriously seen some shit man. If you want your own band of homeless drug addicts who can’t rotate back to civilian life after years of serving freakin’ Flagritz, dude make the tentacled matron an offer.

*** Where the Lords of Legend Sit Enthroned ***

Big Daddy K is looking to have a quiet word with the governor of AFT Caer Avalon. Just tell him you’re well stocked on Kittytower magazines and close the door before he gets a paw in the crack.

*** Wanted: SSS Columnists ***

We’re looking for columnists to help the Editors with regular columns along particular themes, for example tips for newbies or traders. If you’re interested please get in touch..

*** Submission and Anonymous Tips ***

Anonymous messages can be sent to our offices @ SSS Inter Galactic News HQ (39952).

Or you can submit stories in the usual way via Nexus.