Phoenix Nexus News Sub Space Static: Volume 3. Issue 3.
Sub Space Static: Volume 3. Issue 3.

***** Inter Galactic News *****

*** Claws Out in Valhalla ***

In a bold rebuke of Crazy Uncle Flagritz’s attacks in the Avalon system, the cunning Felini Nevets ordered a hit on a FLZ outpost in the Valhalla system. Claiming miscommunication with his warships, the mischevious Avatar cocked a snook at the washed-out Dewiek warrior in charge of the system whilst claiming an important victory in the often one-sided conflict against the FLZ.

This isn’t the first time the foxy Feline has masked daring-do in the shroud of incompetence. It remains to be seen whether this turns out as disastrously as the time when the FEL had to pay the costs of a war started by Prince-turned-meklan LiQuan.

Meower-in-chief Chamiah apologised for the incident in a public address laced with snickering subtext and unconcealed laughter when she got to the bit about the unfortunate loss of “5 FLZ Warships in Onwards.”

A second incident in Valhalla was reported the next day with mardy Magnus complaining he wasn’t getting his claws in on the action. Could this be the pithy ploy that puts the cat on the mat?

Inside this issue of the SSS: * Merc-y Wimbles * Valhalla Fighting Pits Get Weird * Profile of Lyceum Amaguk * &etc

*** Corporate Raiders ***

The Wimble with the bowler hat, zz and his genealogically confused family, have been the victims of outpost rustling. Volatile vamp Lady Sylvansight of the DTR was quick to suggest magpies may be responsible but our sources indicate that this was in fact the work of mercenaries. Silly Sylvansight.

Curiously the outpost in question was in the same sector as one belonging to the GTT.

We asked zz if he thought this was an underhand effort by the GTT to remove an older established claimant to the resources at the location. "You may of course infer something from this, but we could not possibly comment,” he commented.

*** Valhalla is the pits ***

We’re back in the coliseum on Glasir for more bloody concussions and tireless commentating! Now in its third day, the spectators of the games saw the leather-bound Dominion gladiators take on the narcotic-loving Flagritz ‘Volunteers'. The doped up fighters seemed to be enjoying a long-leash holiday from their tentacled tyrants.

Facing quick lightning strikes from the oiley muscle-men of the Dominion, the Volunteers held their own, wearing their opponents down over a long arduous day of fighting. The tried-and-tested Flagritz tactics of holding the line in the face of more ambitious assaults proved their worth as the exhausted Dominion gladiators racked up the losses. A victory was declared for the Volunteers with Wylde, Demon Lord, marking another loss for one of his teams.

The following day things took a turn for the macabre. Lovestruck Lyceum got in the ring carrying a large metal barrel. Then six nervous bed-wetting Black Kas team members were thrown in. A desperate charge by the bondaged pirates saw one beheaded and two others gutted. A short inhumane chase followed. Then the horror show of the large Dewiek draining the blood of the dead pirates into a barrel, before dipping the head of the survivors in ad nauseam. Finally bored of his own creepy behaviour, the Dewiek left the arena to a mixture of catcalls and cheers.

Meanwhile, reports from outside the coliseum indicated a fight broke out between rival packs aligned to the mouthy Magnus and the loathsome Lyceum. Automated starbase security drenched the fur-brained fans in something sticky and the Dewiek hooligans were back in their kennels before nightfall.

If the previous day’s fighting had turned stomachs, the fifth event of the games marked a turn towards the truly bizarre. Returning to the pits after a few days rest, the Flagritz Volunteers faced off a handful of eager Felini gladiators and Devoted cultists. The Devoted were led by none other than smack-talking Grand Patriarch Kr’Shan, Big Daddy K to his fans.

It was apparent the crowd were in for something different when one of the Devoted tried the unorthodox fighting style of falling to the ground in fits whilst bleeding from his eyes, inspiring the other crazy cats into action. The Volunteers were too thinned out from their previous fight to put up an effective defence. The Devoted were oblivious to their wounds and on the verge of a famous victory when Kr’Shan distracted them by doing a good floating lamp impression. If bathing the Devoted with an eery golden light was intended to inspire them, it certainly did. It inspired them to try to kill Big Daddy K with only the intervention of the Felini gladiators possibly saving his life.

The fighting turned into a free-for-all before drawing to a close with all the Devoted, Gladiators and Volunteers dead or crippled. Big Daddy K was left unconscious on the ground.

Man of the match went to the Felini crew who spent most of the fight crying “I’m not supposed to be in here! I’m just a shuttle pilot!” before curling up in a ball and bathing in his own effluence.

The mucky pilot scored a rare win for the Felini that left the mostly Dewiek crowd scratching themselves in puzzlement.

*** Briefing: Lyceum Amaguk ***

Who is the Dewiek stealing all the limelight from the tired has-been Wolf Lord of Valhalla? Some tip him as next in line to the sexy salsa-loving High Lord. According to Lyceum's publicist, "Lyceum is already one of the largest, heaviest Alpha Dewiek ever recorded.” No doubt with ambitions to eat his way to the top. As readers no doubt know Mohache and Dewiek alike pride themselves on their girth and ability to devour whole cattle in a single sitting. Its not the only thing the two species have in common. Both are fond of substance abusing spirit quests.

Our inside source told us Lyceum had sought advice on how to get really, really fat from a Dewiek skold, which we think is some kind of lager. The skold sent the hapless Lyceum off to the grasslands of the planet One Man where he got seriously stoned and frenzied. The net result being that the fattest Dewiek in all the land made a reek mess of his pants. Earning himself the new moniker of "fatty-fatty skidmarks,” Lyceum has been on a wild rumpus ever since, picking fights with pirates and other ne’er-do-wells to hide his shame.

*** Overheard at GTT HQ ***

"Sir, here are the latest comm intercept translations. This one is between the FLZ and FEL. Seems to be about an unintended battle Valhalla."

"Hmm...Ni'i Yoggoth, translator is saying he is a person of Isolation... so what does that mean? He's got a disease?"

“Haha. Good one, sir. Reminds me of the time when you joked about a misplaced decimal point in the Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics.”

“Well remembered, subordinate! What fun you had redoing the Annual Net Usage Statistics report.”

“Yes, sir. Its amazing how they reconstructed my brain afterwards.”

“A GTT life-contract is binding. Now get back to your accounts receivable spreadsheet.”

*** Right to Reply: First Person Report ***

by Lt. Sid Vicious

"It was the first day of action in Magnus's battlepits, and the FET Midnight Rockers had been "selected" for the first Go! Nevertheless, the 175 human troops felt damn good about their chances.

"But their high hopes were immediately dashed when they entered the arena, as Baldur's guards came out to confiscate their weaponry. "What the Feck?" I asked. "It's the rules, boys. No Blasters, ballistics, or energy weapons allowed," the guards' commander informed us. Reluctantly, we gave our guns up.

"Looking acrost the pit, I saw a mixed group of fighters. Approximately 200 marines, led by a Wolf Lord and 50 or 60 Dewieks as well as Falconians, Hive, and others. "Well, boys," I said, "We're in it deep now. A bunch of murderous aliens, and we're unarmed! Fists and feet against teeth and claws. And unnumbered, to boot! It's gonna be a long day!"

"Not really! Fifteen or sixteen minutes later, we were allowed to "strategically retreat". The Grim Reaper had taken 71 comrades! Not a pretty picture. BUT amazingly enuff, we had taken down 6 Dewiak marines, along with 10 other troops.

"All things considered, I felt we had fought well and honorably. At least we had survived to fight another day!"

***** Periphery Classifieds *****

*** Platform Owner Sought ***

Trade Director and general sweety-pie Sal Cobalt is looking to make the acquaintance of the owner of IND Thebian Platform Hannor (92504).

Huh, Trade Director. Here we were thinking the ‘trade’ in GTT was just a tax-avoidance racket for the biggest private military company in the galaxy.

*** Farm Fun ***

Kul dude Skyth DeSexton is looking for a lot of agricultural implements delivered to the Yank system. With the FET’s annual gourd competition only nine months away, we wish Skyth all the best but everyone knows Norozov rigs it. How else could he have won biggest marrow 20 years in a row?

*** Anonymous Tips ***

You can now use the anonymous messaging system to send news stories to our offices @ SSS Inter Galactic News HQ (39952).

*** Christmas Special Edition ***

It will soon be Christmas and we’d like to continue the tradition of having a Christmas special edition next week.

If you have something festive to share, say a poem, limerick or story, please get in touch!