***** Inter Galactic News *****
*** Nun on the Run ***
Alleged cosplayer Carmilla D’Morenta got the vicars in the Brotherhood all hot and bothered when she made a run for it. Possibly tired of being tied up by the reverends and denied the love that dare not howl its name. With a sizeable, almost unbelievable, bounty on her head, the barking sister took refuge with the Dewiek Elder Nation.
In possibly the shortest chase in history, the BHD managed to strike a blow for oppressed collars everywhere when they squared off with the naughty doggy-wannabe at the Valhalla stargate. The cheeky chaplains blew their hyperdrive at close range and both the BHD and DEN flagged ships were reported to be lost in space.
Inside this issue of the SSS: * DEN Ban BHD * Ulian * FLZ in Avalon * Valhalla Fighting Pits * Interview with Carmilla * And more
*** DEN Punish Bad Habits ***
The DEN response to the attack on one of their ships was to roll up a newspaper and try to socialise the BHD about blowing stuff up near stargates. The always sexy and trim moustached DEN High Lord has revoked the BHD’s access to their stargates as a result. Bad cleric! Bad!
The once-I-was-a-somebody Wolf Lord of Valhalla also made some vague probably inconsequential threats. Sales in religious relics were up on the news.
*** Ulian Not Open To Traders ***
The Imperial Viceroy took a well-earned break from prepping his massive manpower for a good assault to answer fan mail from young and sweet, dancing queen Admiral Bridge. Despite the Admiral’s batting eyelashes, it emerged that trade with the civilians on Tyt in the Ulian system was not open to the DTR.
There were gasps at the shocking revelation from an Empire insider that the populace were being "cruelly oppressed” and questions were asked what the mighty Stellar Armada would do about this. These questions were quickly answered when the DTR Speaker interjected with a bit of clichéd banality.
Thanks Decker! The galaxy is a freer place.
*** Briefing: Ulian ***
Self-styled bleeding heart, In-Out-Shake-It-All-About-Admiral Bridge helped the SSS understand what the heck was going on in Ulian. Apparently, the Ulians said some mean things to the Viceroy and being known for his low self-esteem and tight-fitting sweaters, he did what any sociopath would do in the same situation. He got a lot of Naplians and Ulians killed. This was the end of the Ulian Stellar Nation.
To split the work of oppressing five or so billion Ulians, the freedom loving DEN and HEX were brought in. Not the CAL, BHD or CIA of course. Who needs massive trade markets when you have the True One.
The unlikely business partners have been having much fun extracting filthy lucre from the brainwashed masses of Ulians. Whether as last reported they still enjoy televised mass executions, uplifting xenophobic rallies and golden age sitcoms is unclear.
The Viceroy did not respond to our request for comment at time of press.
*** When Flagritz Hearts Are Broken #1 ***
Crazy Uncle Flagritz Lord Pessum Ire publicly questioned the GIMPs ability to keep treaties they sign and asked to be left alone. We asked our political analysts how long we could expect his sulk to last, how many Felini would die as a consequence and whether Crazy Uncle was about to embark on an ill-advised emo binge.
But they had no answers. Probably because they are just smiley faces drawn on cabbages.
*** When Flagritz Hearts Are Broken #2 ***
Hot on the heels of our report about Crazy Uncle’s failed attempt to woo the GIMP, we have received word that indeed Felini outposts in the Avalon system have come under attack by FLZ bravehearts. Crazy Uncle told our reporter "Forces of the Race were ordered to raid in force in reply to the slave being called Kr’Shan.” Not at all because they were bored. Or drunk. Or both.
Eyewitness reports indicate significant damage to several outposts and a small number of Felini gunboats, one of which was destroyed. An un-named platform was also destroyed during the “conflict”. Yeah, we wouldn’t bother naming our platforms if we were Felini either. No point getting too attached to these things.
Aquaphids everywhere have asked if the old adage about barrels and shooting should not be reviewed in the light of this news. Meanwhile, Felini astrologers continue to predict the coming of the nice aliens who will bring saucers of milk and belly rubs.
*** Felini Survivalists ***
Seems everybody is getting religion these days and the ever fashionable Felini are not one to miss out on a trend.
The cult of the Great Mother has a new home with the system Kira being renamed in her honour. So called “Devoted” are being corralled into the system, presumably somewhere out of the way of the general Felini population. The cult seems to be stocking up on supplies and tech for survival and will “toil endlessly to save our people.” This will no doubt end well.
Sales of Adamski tuna were up on the news. Then they were down. Go figure.
*** Valhalla Pit Fights ***
Welcome back sports fans! Do we have some bloody carnage, dynamic entertainment and filthy gladiators for you! Yes, the fighting pits of Glasir have opened for business. Organised by moulting mastiff Magnus, they’re your opportunity to put aside all your petty squeamish concerns about the sanctity of life and see grown ass aliens beat each other to death! Its fun for all the family!
On the opening day, we had a spectacular gorefest as the some-would-call-them-brave-but-some-would-call-them-bloody-stupid FET Midnight Rockers took on Lyceum's Pack. If you’re wondering, yes, Lyceum is a big guy with a big heart looking for love with just the right lady-Dewiek.
Despite complaints they hadn’t read the notice saying “no guns" when they entered the soon-to-be-blood-drenched coliseum, the Midnight Rockers managed to give a good account of themselves. Five fangry Dewiek marines were killed for the small price of nearly eighty FET infantry. Bookies were said to have had a good day.
Champion lovehound Lyceum was soon prowling for his next target when he got a whiff of pirate crotch as the infamous Black Kas involuntary team was sighted in full-on Dominion bondage gear in the starport. However, that love match was put on hold as the next contestants took to the stage.
Entering the ring, a small team of veteran Falconians led by life-long tweeter Xurukis. The stench of sulfur filled the stands as ten Demonic abominations flew in, slashing at their perched opponents. The Falconians soon matched the Demons' acrobatics in the dense atmosphere, outsmarting them with their bird-brain tactics. The blood letting ended with only Xurukis left pecking. Toasts in honour of the dead Demons and improbably victorious Falconian were led by Wylde, Demon Lord. The scuttlebutt is that Wylde is a sponsor of several teams in the games this year.
*** Special Interview ***
We managed to get a quick interview with Carmilla D’Morenta just before her recent disappearance.
"My name is Carmilla D'morenta, once Inquisitor of the Brotherhood, Bishop of Kastor and called by the powers that be, a Heretic and a Traitor.
"I have spent a good amount of time working with the alien races, in particular the Dewiek. Despite current dogma handed down from the Church that aliens are lesser people I have found they are often more noble, more... dare I say, human than the best that humanity has to offer. Because of that I decided that I can learn more from the Dewiek than I can where I am.”
Why have the BHD put a bounty on your head?
"Who can say why these things happen? As they say, the True One moves in mysterious ways. Not that anyone will try and claim it."
Why did you join the DEN?
"Because the Dewiek are wild and free. I have found them to be lovers of life and liberty, ferocious and dangerous, and yet a true enigma. When I am with the Dewiek in their space I find it much more enjoyable... and safer.”
What are your plans for the future?
"Now I am not spending my time preaching the empty words of a hollow god I am going to explore and find new things. There is room enough for everyone out there, and I intend to put my mark on it."
How sexy is DEN High Lord Aadolf?
"Personally I do not find them sexy. I mean, have you seen them when they drink... and eat? Booze and steak is not appealing on the best of humans... on a giant wolf? Please.... mind you, Little Howl says he is at least 8.... and Sister Carol has said the same. No, I don't see it myself.”
We did give the BHD a chance to rebut but they declined saying they "weren’t into that kind of thing you filthy heathen”.
*** Voicemail ***
Hi, this is the SSS. If you have a story for us, please speak after the beep.
He he he... the GTT attacking 100 ship fleet nuked a IND food cart carrying strange meat hot dogs… <loud inhaling>… he he he... for the wIMPs. <inaudible> about not having a permit to <heavy breathing> and marshmallows... So, he he he... the GTT took… <deep inhaling>…took it upon them selves to blowup KARLOS KASTORIAN… <exhaling noise>... orbiting IND food carts. <chewing noise> Surviving KARLOS sabotaged his own IND food cart... he he he... after the GTT ground assault started <coughing> KARLOS SURVIVED… <giggling noise>... due to looking like a <inaudible> green <inaudbile> and was <inaudbile> in a daring <sex?> op! KARLOS now is looking to buy a new <inaudible> for his <inaudible>.
*** Hungry Hungry Hexamon ***
Hexamon explorers have been seen looking for signs of their creators, with squelchy organic ships spotted in many systems where they have previously hived or mandibled. They've totally met the Architects and are plotting the destruction of all human kind! Ahem. What we meant to say is "Rumour has it the collective has encountered actual living Architects though details remain sketchy."
We asked resident hive psychologist Queen Frueda what this could mean and should we care. She told us: "This follows a long tradition of existential angst by older species who lacking pleasure slaves and naked twister continue to search for their daddies. It never ends well with these deadbeat custody cases."
*** Crazy Uncle Wisdom ***
“Attend or do not attend."
***** Periphery Classifieds *****
*** Fun Times Ahead for AFT ship ***
Big man in Capella, Tom Krieger is asking after AFT SHIP CASPIAN CAPELLA (68791). We can only speculate what hedonistic good times are to be had. We bet it involves whips. And chains. Maybe some leather too.
*** Super Genius Wanted ***
The DEN are looking for a really clever guy with stargates. Yes, they’ve tried turning it off and on again. If you can help get in touch with the sexy special one, Aadolf.
*** What Readers Said About Issue 1 ***
"Wot! No Kang!” - Flagritz Ambassador, Yank
"It is nice to see the SSS back” - Hive Worker #RRGGBB, Twilight
"Very amusing indeed” - Wolf Lord, Enigma
"Inanity, innuendo and something less serious than the Viceroy at a pirate fancy dress party” - Flagritz Debutante, Vanus
"Nice to see the FET getting some airtime!” - Pleasure Slave, Fetlock
"Certainly the longest SSS I've seen in a while” - Bureaucrat, Teutonic
“mwhahahahahahahahahahah (snick,snick)" - Rabid Krieger, Everywhere in IMP space
*** Quick Reader Poll ***
1. Snark level: a) Too much, b) Too little, c) Just right?
2. Sauce level: a) Too much, b) Oo-err misses, c) Tea vicar?
3. Length: a) Too Long, b) Too short, c) Disco.
*** Christmas Special Edition ***
It will soon be Christmas and we’d like to continue the tradition of having a Christmas special edition either next week or the week following depending on what submissions we get.
So if you have something festive to share, say a poem, limerick or story, please get in touch! You can also submit regular news if you must.