Phoenix
Phoenix Nexus News Sub Space Static: Volume 3. Issue 4. (Christmas Special)
Sub Space Static: Volume 3. Issue 4. (Christmas Special)

***** Christmas Special Edition *****

*** Ho Ho Ho ***

Welcome to the SSS Christmas Special Edition! We the Editors have put together a nostalgic pudding treat intended to delight and tickle even the scroogiest megacorp executive. So gather your cubs, squidlets and larvae for some silliness and song. Time to catch up with some classics from years gone by, raise your glasses and drink your gluttony and shame away!

Wishing you all a merry Christmas free from Krampus Jones's invading armies!

The Editors



*** A Brotherhood Carol ***

On the first day of the Inquisition,
The True One sent to me
A Falconian strung up in a tree..

On the second day of the Inquisition,
The True One sent to me
Two dozing Mohache,
And a Falconian strung up in a tree..

On the third day of the Inquisition,
The True One sent to me
Three Dewiek dogs,
Two dozing Mohache,
And a Falconian strung up in a tree..

On the fourth day of the Inquisition,
The True One sent to me
Four fearful Felines,
Three Dewiek dogs,
Two dozing Mohache,
And a Falconian strung up in a tree..

On the fifth day of the Inquisition,
The True One sent to me
Five slimy Flagritz,
Four fearful Felines,
Three Dewiek dogs,
Two dozing Mohache,
And a Falconian strung up in a tree..

On the sixth day of the Inquisition,
The True One sent to me
Six hive a-laying,
Five slimy Flagritz,
Four fearful Felines,
Three Dewiek dogs,
Two dozing Mohache,
And a Falconian strung up in a tree..

On the seventh day of the Inquisition,
The True One sent to me
Seven imperials pillagin',
Six hive a-laying,
Five slimy Flagritz,
Four fearful Felines,
Three Dewiek dogs,
Two dozing Mohache,
And a Falconian strung up in a tree..

On the eighth day of the Inquisition,
The True One sent to me
Eight monks mumbling,
Seven imperials pillagin',
Six hive a-laying,
Five slimy Flagritz,
Four fearful Felines,
Three Dewiek dogs,
Two dozing Mohache,
And a Falconian strung up in a tree..

On the ninth day of the Inquisition,
The True One sent to me
Nine spooks spying,
Eight monks mumbling,
Seven imperials pillagin',
Six hive a-laying,
Five slimy Flagritz,
Four fearful Felines,
Three Dewiek dogs,
Two dozing Mohache,
And a Falconian strung up in a tree..

On the tenth day of the Inquisition,
The True One sent to me
Ten barons bumbling,
Nine spooks spying,
Eight monks mumbling,
Seven imperials pillagin',
Six hive a-laying,
Five slimy Flagritz,
Four fearful Felines,
Three Dewiek dogs,
Two dozing Mohache,
And a Falconian strung up in a tree..

On the eleventh day of the Inquisition,
The True One sent to me
Eleven suits stealing,
Ten barons bumbling,
Nine spooks spying,
Eight monks mumbling,
Seven imperials pillagin',
Six hive a-laying,
Five slimy Flagritz,
Four fearful Felines,
Three Dewiek dogs,
Two dozing Mohache,
And a Falconian strung up in a tree..

On the twelfth day of the Inquisition,
The True One sent to me
Twelve generals gunning,
Eleven suits stealing,
Ten barons bumbling,
Nine spooks spying,
Eight monks mumbling,
Seven imperials pillagin',
Six hive a-laying,
Five slimy Flagritz,
Four fearful Felines,
Three Dewiek dogs,
Two dozing Mohache,
And a Falconian strung up in a tree!

*** The Very Festive Thoughts of Rabid Krieger ***

Holes in void
Mayhem constrained in patience
A quickening

Burst of Brightness
Tainting blackness glory
Death

Burning bright
Hellborn fury
Cleansing

Stars a'born
Die all scorned
Peace of death

*** The Ballad of Pahl Kantner ***

Sitting on a starport bench --
eyeing little girls with bad intent.
Snot is running down his nose --
greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes.
Pahl Kantner
Drying in the cold sun --
Watching as the frilly panties run.
Pahl Kantner
Feeling like a dead duck --
spitting out pieces of his broken luck.
Whoa, Pahl Kantner

*** Puppy Tales ***

Poor Kohl the Dewiek was getting quite tired,
but his fast running pace was something required.
The strange devil man might be catching up quick,
but he dared not look back for fear he should trip.

Kohl finally saw something; a strange shadowy light
at the end of that tiresome, one million step flight.
At the bottom he saw, it was an underground lake.
But there were pathways and tunnels all over the place.

Now, Kohl knew the blue water stuff was definitely trouble,
He learned, to go down there, he'd need an air bubble.
He scrapped that idea and took a different direction.
One he'd regret, upon closer inspection.

One thing he knew, he must get back to his home,
to warn the Dewieks of the war coming soon.
He'd tell them of danger and then save the day.
He warmed at the thought, but first, which path is the way?

*** A Very Detinus Christmas ***

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout, I'm telling you why,
Zombie Diaz is coming to town!

She's making a list and checking it twice,
Gonna find out who's naughty and nice,
Zombie Diaz is coming to town!

She sees you when you're sleeping,
She knows when you're awake,
She knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness' sake!

Oh! You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout, I'm telling you why,
Zombie Diaz is coming to town!

*** O Kristmas Krell ***

O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree
The Whole Krell race
Is History.

*** A Very Mohache Christmas ***

The MOH have endangered all known civilisation as we know it this Christmas, as they appear to have unleashed a force of what many reporters are hysterically calling 'ULTIMATE EVIL!' that threatens us all.

The story goes that the Mohache Exploration corps have stumbled across a very interesting asteroid in an outlying system. The following footage has been released on Periphery comms channels:

Action:
Using the Exploration Module MK4, Sensor MK4, and any custom-built probes as necessary, attempt to determine the nature of the dampening field at the core of the asteroid. Is this some form of exotic matter (and if so what?) or some form of artificially generated field, and if the latter what can be used to disable/destabilise it?
Result:
Investigation /Dust/Subsurface Scan/Central Core
Powerful scanners are used on the core of the asteroid after the discovery that something appears to be quite odd. The next discovery however arrives before the full calibration is completed. It would appear that the inner layers of dust are artificial; at least there are strong indications that they have been produced through artificial means, not unlike very low grade but very thick ablative armour.
The team are now uncertain about hammering the inner shell with a highly penetrating sensor beam. While it seems unlikely that anything alive is within, there might still be automated systems on reserve power - presuming that somebody or something hasn't just gone to a lot of trouble to foam spray a large ball of rock. This might be the equivalent to poking a sleeping tiger.

Action:
While gnawing on a particularly tasty piece of Ant Larvae, Scout Kkkclkf'fflld's ungainly mandibles brush against the Exploration Mk4 module's button that says 'engage prospecting drill'. This would be a mere inconvenience if the ship wasn't at the bottom of the deepest blast crater in the asteroidal body's armour braced against the thinnest area sensors were able to locate, in preparation to perform some more gentle sensor sweeps. The Hive equivalent of 'Ooops' isn't often heard in the peripheries.
Result:
Special Action/Rho CXVIII/'Accidents' Will Happen/208.49
The experienced officer somehow manages to engage the drilling rig while being in close proximity to the inner wall of the unknown object at the heart of the asteroid.
He is soon able to turn it off but not before there is a neat hole down through the ablative coating.
A collective sigh of relief is given by the attending crew as nothing happens in response.
A few hours later however the sensors pick up a 0.01C rise in temperature of the shell. This is outside any reasonable natural fluctuation.
Oh Crap!

Reports are in that since this incident, the surface temperature of the asteroid has risen geometrically week-on-week. It is anticipated to hit the melting point of water around week 6.209.

The Mohache exploration vessel responsible is expected to be somewhere on the other side of the peripheries when it does.

*** A Happy Waggy Tale ***

The Mohache Myrmica class survey vessel Ingenuous Observer drifted gently in space, the greyed metal hulls gleaming faintly in the light of the distant star. The numerous antenna of the ship's sensor arrays were angled in a pattern that, to an observer trained in the art of stellar survey, showed the ship was performing a routine scan of the quadrant.

Telescopic camera arrays taking images in various wavelengths and radio spectral arrays analysing for any signals, the crew were performing a survey of an asteroid belt in the next quadrant over. Ute Jeerem Heepwoor, reporting to Smokes in Mountains, had been assigned the task as a shakedown journey for the vessel.
Jeerem and his crew, analysing the hunks of rock, noticed an anomaly floating in the belt. The density of the object indicated heavy metals, but spectral analysis also suggested the presence of faint EM fields. Gaseous venting from several points on the object indicated the anomaly was, in fact, an inert ship.

Thrusters firing intermittently, the ship rotated through space to angle the densest cluster of sensors on the vessel. Cameras telescoped and focused on the dead ship, resolving into the shape of a Dewiek 10 hulled Ranger-N class sensor ship. Carved into the widest point on the hull were three letters in the Dewiek alphabet. Loosely translated into Mohache via the EEM Earthish dictionary database, the acronym SOS jumped out of the display at Jeerem.
"Hmmm," he mused. "SOS..." The Dewiek were known to value their own hides quite highly. "Save Our Skins?"

The comms crewman had been broadcasting messages to the stationary hulk since it had been established as a ship, with no response. "I think we need to take a closer look. Might be worth taking lunch over too." mused the Ute.
The Ingenuous Observer mated docking ports with the much smaller Ranger-N, and vented atmosphere into the chamber. Mohache braves clustered around the port, carrying medical equipment, small arms and their lunch amongst other items. Gawping as three Dewiek peered back with muzzles slathering at the thought of their rescuers' food. Or their rescuers being food, difficult to tell with the pack.

The three Dewiek, once pacified with some raw steaks, detailed their story. They had been assigned a wandering remit aboard the Ranger-N vessel, and had accidentally jumped into the asteroid belt - unfortunately, the ship's AI Navigators had been right on top of a micrometeorite when the ISR field resolved in the system. Unable to man all of the systems themselves, they had entered into minimum operation mode in the hope of rescue from other Dewiek ships when they failed to report in. They were, however, a long long way from Dewiek space, and no rescue had been forthcoming for several weeks.

The cargo bay doors of the I.O opened and, thrusters firing gently once more, the Myrmica manouvered slowly to swallow the Ranger-N. Once locked down, the Myrmica's ISR Engines fired up, and the ship blinked out of existence.

*** Hark the Herald ***

Hark! The Herald Alfgar screams,
Don't use blues on top of greens.
Or and argent, that's all right,
Metals and tinctures don't fight.
Use a blend, no Highland plaids,
Keep it simple, please my lads,
Azure, vert, purpure and gules,
Must follow all my Herald's rules.
Hark! The Herald Alfgar screams,
Don't use blues on top of greens.

Hark! The Herald Alfgar yells,
Don't use cars and oilwells.
Period, we beg you please,
Tygers we can draw with ease.
Please don't ask for rubber bands,
These must pass through Laurel's hands.
We draw rampant, couchant, too,
Dancing the Hustle, no can do!
Hark! The Herald Alfgar yells,
Don't use cars and oilwells.

*** Kang Komedy Korner ***

What screams and goes round and round?

A FELINI IN A GIANT BLENDER!


What is silent and goes round and round?

A DEAD FELINI IN A GIANT BLENDER?


What is green and smells?

SAME FELINI, THREE WEEKS LATER!


What is funnier than a dead Felini?

A DEAD FELINI IN A CLOWN COSTUME!


What gets louder as it gets smaller?

A FELINI IN A TRASH COMPACTOR!


What is more fun than stapling Felini to a wall?

TEARING THEM OFF AGAIN!


What is red and furry and cannot turn around in a corridor?

A FELINI WITH A SPEAR THROUGH ITS THROAT!

*** Submission and Anonymous Tips ***

Anonymous messages can be sent to our offices @ SSS Inter Galactic News HQ (39952).

Or you can submit stories in the usual way via Nexus.

See you all in 217!

 
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