Phoenix
Phoenix Nexus News Sub Space Static: Volume 3. Issue 1.
Sub Space Static: Volume 3. Issue 1.

***** Inter Galactic News *****


*** Message From The New Editors ***

Dear Reader,

It has been a long time since we had the exquisite joy of Sub Space Static beaming mind-altering information into our retinas. Like you, we craved word from the offices of the IGN when the next edition would hit our Nexus terminals. We waited and waited. Then we got curious.

We fundraised a simple surveyor and sent it to the last sighting of the IGN. It was not where we expected it to be, in the Yank system. We asked the Junta but they were their usual helpful selves. Weeks, turned into months and still no sign.

Then we found it. The singularity. With a sign. The scrawl of a demented child that read "Kang woz 'ere." What could we do but enter. Our ship went in. Where, we cannot say. The air around us popped. Our faces folded and our bodies fused together. Our minds interconnected. Vast knowledge at our disposal. Yet, we became as stupid as the least of us. As greedy as the worst of us. As forgetful as the dumbest of us. As horribly biased as a partisan hack in a post-truth universe.

We became, in short, your Editors.

Welcome to the new SSS. It won't be as funny as before. It won't be clever by half. It won't be any better in any way. But it will be regular. As a mohache on refined laxatives. It will be informative. Oh it will be full of facts! Even if we have to make them up.

Send us your delicious exploration reports. Tell us about your pointless battles. Spread your vile anonymous rumours. Tell us how your mother didn't love you and that's why <insert Affiliation here> must be destroyed! Feed us, your Editors. Nurture us. Our Singularity opens to receive your offering.

Now here is the news.


*** Valhalla System ***

New Wolf Lord in town Magnus Baldur has taken over the Valhalla system. Intent on proving the size of his puppy-maker he’s invited everyone to a fight. As long as you bring him some ale. He seems to be getting his wish as no less than pointy-heeled Mona who- Luvsitt has said she will step into the ring. Who can forget Mona’s delightful entrance at the Kang Awards? Or that time when she stretched her mouth, bent back her jawbone and swallowed the Wimble chef whole?

Is this the same Magnus who was DEN High Lord a few years back? What does this mean for the AFT and GCE? Oh and those poor surrender kittens over in Highstar? Is it going to be raining cats and dogs in Valhalla soon?

We have more questions than answers at this stage. We’ll be sure to bring you the latest from the fighting pits when that happens.

*** End Flagritz Incarceration ***

The Empire of the Race has sent a harshly worded letter to the Imperial Patrol Commissioner when he didn’t release the poor officers captured by the meany humans. Much boo hooing was had. The IMP PC was generous in promising not to perform “vivisection, slavery, hi-port ejection or death pit” on the unfortunate captives.

This leaves a whole host of torturous deaths open to the Empire of the It’s-not-a-race-slow-down-and-close-your-mouth-when-eating.

*** Large Going Strong ***

Sexy beast and failed artist Highlord of the DEN tried to claw back ships lost to pirates that seem to be in the possession of the GTT. Something something Wolfpack something Dubloon something something Gandolph someting something. Denying they were pirates and simply looters during times of war, the GTT rejected sexy Aadolf’s request for cultural repatriation.

The squabble would probably have gotten more heated and interesting had not the DTR Speaker made a rare public appearance to inject some bureaucracy into the discussions. At which point, both DEN and GIMP seem to have decided more paperwork was too high a price to pay and it can all be sorted out at the next antimatter-get-together.

Thanks Decker! The galaxy is a safer place.

*** Open Flagritz Boots ***

A mysterious transmission from Crazy Uncle Flagritz aka Lord Pessum Ire got sentients and GTT employees alike excited that he was entering the lucrative world of stock tips when he suggested wiley traders should dump underperforming stocks in three systems within the Spur due to an unwelcome upsurge in openness.

Unfortunately for GTT day traders, Crazy Uncle seems to have slept it off and no further advice was forthcoming.

*** Empire Claims ***

Rabid Krieger (“Call me Xav” to his friends) shouted, very loudly that "I am EVERYWHERE in Imperial space, checking EVERYTHING in Imperial space.” Contrary to vile rumours, probably spread by the Falconians, IMP systems were not a new paradise open to curious, intelligent people looking to explore them.

Those born yesterday should be aware he is checking EVERYWHERE and EVERYTHING in Imperial space. We at the SSS would not wish to encourage any law breaking but enterprising readers are free to write their own public messages of support noting places, real or imagined, not yet checked.

Alternatively, the GIMP could take the tried and tested DTR approach and ask everyone to provide, in triplicate, forms 23B, 16A and 78F prior to activating sensors whilst stationary or in transit in DTR systems.

Thanks Decker! The galaxy is a safer place.

*** Dewiek Career Advice ***

Brenna Pack, who apparently can’t decide which of them wants to get killed next time one of their starbases gets invaded, have taken on a new dream job as auditors. Registrations of outposts and starbases in their territories will be reviewed. No doubt, those found in violation will receive a strongly scented letter and a fine to pay. The pernicious influence of DTR bureaucracy.

Thanks Decker! The galaxy is a safer place.

*** I See You ***

Sharp eyed, singular genital but sexy High Lord of the DEN has warned anybody willing to listen that he’s aware there exists many affiliations who like to spy on him, some with the letters C and A and I in their name.

Frankly, the sexy beast is tired of humans checking him out when he’s trying to go and seriously guys, you really should get a new hobby. Oh come on. I see you over there in the bush! Get outta here!

*** Pirate Gouging ***

What started out as coming of age story has started to look like a fetish.

It all began when Pirate Large lost an eye in Tranquility thanks to hairy-backed pirate hunter Lyceum Amaguk. Then an up-to-no-good pirate party in Mithras was blown up. Getting a taste for it, the howling haberdasher then blew up an Omen class ship called Envy. Look out boys, we’ve got a badass in Halo.

Its as if the DEN have nothing better to do. Stocks in GTT rose on the news.

*** GTT Just Being GTT ***

IND self-titled High Commissioner (question: what on?) has met the sticky end of the GTT boomsticks and lost a banquet of food as well as a small convoy of ships in IMP space.

"Unarmed freighters are a menace to society that must be eradicated,” said Mrs Kong.

*** Crazy Uncle Wisdom ***

“Never assume. The DTR did.”

***** Periphery Classifieds

*** Fibrillium Shock ***

The price of Fibrillium has soared as stocks have been depleted on the back of news that there would be something better to pilot barges than that xenophobic chatbot that’s been the bread-and-butter of the space lanes for years.

A spirited competition between GTT and DOM to fleece desperate consumers punch drunk on years of low-cost shipping will hopefully spiral into nuclear war. Or at least some competition for the DOM monopoly.

*** FRE Arianus ***

Tasty raisin bun Pahl Kantner tried to get in touch with Ari-anus. He’s still waiting. Don’t be shy. Make the connection.

*** Warlock’s Brew ***

Warlock's Lair (58819) is buying all intoxicants found around the Halo for 2.1 stellars per mu. They're also buying other Halo Luxuries, Seeds, Consumables, Livestock, and Perishables.

They're also selling cheap Alcohol. Totally not the byproduct of all the intoxicants they've bought and flushed through their kidneys. Yum.

*** Wanted: EEM Standard Freighter Tech ***

Ugh. This is why Kang did what he did. Do we have to run these classifieds? What do you mean its what pays the bills? We’re a bloody Singularity! What bills do we have? OH MY ….

If you the EEM Standard Freighter tech get in touch with Not-a-raisin-bun Skyth.

*** New Governor ***

Tom Krieger, you know the one who isn’t crazy and doesn’t wear a sexy eye patch, has taken over GTT HQ in Capella. Isn’t that nice?

*** Searching ***

Elusive Mohache Elder seeks IND SHIP SEARCHER (31548). An exciting opportunity to search the Mohache’s belly folds for that missing steak pie must surely await! Make sure you get paid in gems and not cake.

*** Uncle’s Brother ***

zz without the tops wants to give something to alpha one. So get in touch. He wants to make it rain. No strings attached. Filthy.

*** Submissions ***

Got something to share? Contact the Editor.

 
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